Power And Relationships
One of my favorite books is Gerry Spence’s book “How To Argue And Win Every Time” (I’ve listened to the audiotape version many, many times as well, and recommend it highly).
In that book, he talks about the concept of personal power, and how most people give away their power to others.
Here’s one way I generalize male/female relationships.
Variables:
1 Power
2 No Power
3 You
4 Her
Possible Combinations:
1. You have no power, she has no power
This is the attitude characterized by guys saying “You probably won’t like me, and there’s nothing that either of us can do about it.” When people have very low self-esteem, combined with learned helplessness they often use these kinds of words.
This is the situation when a guy thinks for whatever reason that he’s not valuable as a person and that no woman COULD want him.
2. You have no power, she has the power
Characterized by “I don’t know what to do. I really like this girl, but I don’t think she likes me. I want her to like me really badly. I think about it all the time.
I have to figure out how to get her attention and impress her.” These are the kinds of thoughts of most guys who I come into contact with.
3. You have power, she has power
Characterized by “I like myself and believe that I’m a great choice for her, and I think that she’s a desirable woman. I’m going to give her the opportunity to take advantage of being with me.
If she accepts, great… if she chooses not to, that’s fine because I can always find another woman.” This is probably the healthiest mindset, but there are a few problems here.
Namely, that most women AND men have a whole truckload of personal issues, neurosis, and inner-children-needing-a-hug, so it doesn’t come down this way often.
4. You have power, she has no power
Characterized by “I am the best thing that ever happened to you. I take what I want, and you’ll enjoy it. If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.
If you are too stupid to see the opportunity that is in front of you (me) then you’re an idiot, and nothing can be done to help you… later.” Clifford and I were talking on the telephone a few days ago about the new Motley Crue book.
You may have read my newsletter a few weeks ago about that book and what those guys are like. Clifford and I agree that these guys act like complete animals, and yet they bang ALL of the world’s hottest chicks… from groupies to super-models.
These guys are the undisputed champs of moral bankruptcy in my book. But they sure get laid a lot. lol… they also spend a lot of time in jail and rehab, so think twice about modeling them!
Even though these guys aren’t the best models for children, I think that some useful lessons can be learned from them. More later.
OK, so now we have four general situations:
1) You have no power, she has no power
2) You have no power, she has the power
3) You have power, she has power
4) You have power, she has no power.
If you really take a moment and think about it, I’ll bet that you’ll find, as I have, that most problems that guys run into with women come from them believing that THEY HAVE NO POWER. In many situations, we guys just act like she has power and we don’t.
One of the biggest shifts in success for me came when I just started acting like I was the one with more power in every situation.
For instance, if I’ve just started talking to a woman in a coffee shop, and I want to get her number, I’ll say… “Hey, it was nice meeting you… I’m going to get back to my friends…” then I turn back around and say “Do you have email?” If she says yes, then I take out my pen and have her write down her email, and then tell her to write her name, and then her number too. It’s usually pretty smooth.
But maybe half the time, she’ll say “Well, I don’t give my number out…” or “Why don’t you give me yours…” or whatever.
Originally, I was stumped because I just gave away all my power to her. Amazingly enough, I would just kind of think “OK, well I guess I’ll just have to give her my number and hope she calls…”
Now, if a woman says “Why don’t you give me your number and I’ll call you” I do something COMPLETELY different. As a matter of fact, it’s almost comical in its simplicity.
I simply point to the piece of paper and say “It’s OK, go ahead write it down.”
If I get more resistance, I say “Just write it down, I’ll only call you ten times a day.”
Now, I’m not perfect, but in most situations with women, I keep my power for myself. I assume that I can handle the situation better than she can.
And by just telling her what I want her to do in a calm, confident manner, I almost always get the number. Of course, this is just one example.
Another is if I’m with a woman and she begins to get upset or emotional about something. Back when I gave my power away most of the time, I would let these kinds of things bother me, and I wouldn’t know how to act.
Now, I just smile and say “How do you REALLY feel about it?” in a sarcastic tone. Or I laugh and say “You’re so cute when you’re mad.”
I could go on and on about different situations and techniques, but I’m trying to get the idea across that in every situation, you can approach it by keeping your power. Don’t give up your power!
If you’re having trouble in an area, sit down and ask yourself “How would I act if I kept my power? How would I act if I had the power in that situation?” Then list ten ways you could act that would keep your power for you.
Next Concept Of Late
THE BRATTY LITTLE SISTER FRAME
For at least a year or two now, I’ve been trying to figure out a simple way to communicate how I act around women, and how some of the guys that I know who are killer pick up artists act.
Now, I have it!
Of course, there are a few minor modifications you’ll need to make but go with me here.
How does a big brother act around his bratty little sister? It’s a combination of “I love you and would kill anyone who messed with you” and “I tolerate you, but I’m going to make fun of you and tease you to entertain myself.”
It’s proven difficult for me to explain how you can bust a woman’s balls in such a way that she still feels like you like her… lol. But maybe this is the frame that will open up the concept a little bit more.
The real trick when teasing a woman and busting her balls is to do it in a completely calm, confident, indifferent way.
Women are great at detecting FRAUDS. And it really doesn’t matter what kind of fraud you’re trying to run… women just get uptight if you’re not being who you are.
I’ve seen guys say things to women that I actually could not believe. I’ve watched my buddy Rick ask at least 50 women if they’re bisexual now… and usually within about 3 minutes of meeting them.
But he’s so calm and natural, that they’re usually fascinated and want to talk about it with him.
I’ve also watched other guys try to imitate him by asking women if they’re bisexual and get shot down with cold, offended looks on their faces. What’s the difference?
The other guys were frauds… they weren’t comfortable around bisexual women, and they weren’t comfortable asking.
So, the women picked up the discomfort, their fraud detectors went off, and they in effect said “You’re weird, get away from me…”
Now, if you use the frame that the woman is your bratty little sister, then you’ll feel comfortable talking about anything in front of her.
I’ve heard many guys say that honesty and directness are attractive. And I agree with this idea… as long as you’re being honest about something that the woman finds attractive.
If you’re saying “I have to be honest here… I’ve never been on a date with a woman, and I had to masturbate before I picked you up” it’s probably not going to be the sexiest thing she’s ever heard. lol… make sure you don’t be too forward about your insecurities at the beginning of the relationship!
But if you’re acting like she’s your bratty little sister, you’ll say whatever is on your mind, but you’ll do it in a ‘cool’ way. Just like an older brother would.
There is a way to bust a woman’s balls royally, while at the same time communicating that you like her. Be creative and think up some of your own. Which leads me to my next idea…
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING RIGHT OR WRONG
A lot of guys write to me saying “That won’t work” or “I disagree.” Now, I’m not perfect (even though I talk like I think I am sometimes) but remember:
There’s a way to use anything that you learn so it’s effective, and there’s a way to fuck any good idea up as well.
Let me use the example of approaching a woman and saying “Excuse me…” Now, I keep seeing this one come up on this list, and it’s actually funny to me now.
Does anyone remember that over 90% of your communication isn’t the words you use, but the tone and body language?
You can say the words “Excuse me” and have them mean all kinds of things. If you say them with sarcasm, you can be saying “You’re being a bitch”… if you say them with a charming tone, you can communicate “Ohhh, hellllllo you sexy thing. You caught my attention, and I’m going to have to come down off my high horse to talk to you…”
Think about it.
You can also say “Excuse me” with a tone that says “I’m scared to talk to you, and I need you to excuse the interruption because I have low self-esteem… and if you don’t then I can’t talk to you…”lol.
Are you with me here?
Do yourself a favor, and learn how to think both ways whenever you learn anything… ask yourself “How could I use this idea so it would work?” and also “What ways should I avoid using this idea because it probably won’t work?”
I was talking to my best friend the other night on the phone, and we were laughing about all the funny shit that I’ve said to women when meeting them. I used to try weird things just to see if they would still talk to me. And they always worked, because I seemed cool and confident when I used them.
Every idea, technique, concept, etc. is useful in some context, and not useful in another. Try to figure out how you can make it work for you…
And when you read someone on here saying “That won’t work” just try to imagine how it COULD work, and the context that it would work in.
Next idea…
NON-VERBAL BEHAVIOR IS MOST OF THE GAME
This is a hard one because describing non-verbal behavior with words is like trying to describe how to play a song.
It’s SOOOOO much easier just to watch and learn.
Anyway, most of your communication is not the words you use, or even the tone. It’s your ‘body language.’ If you get your body language together, the rest becomes secondary.
Yes, I’m saying that the guys who have mastered the body language aspect need very little more to be successful.
Here are some of the things that I’ve done:
1) Watch some James Bond.
2) Eliminate nervous ticks and gestures, automatic reactions, and emotional triggers.
3) Move more slowly and confidently. Turn head slower, blink slower, etc.
Most important: Make friends with guys who are good with women, and go watch them in action! This is the key! I recommend that you find at LEAST 5 local guys and make friends with them, then go out with them on a regular basis.
Don’t get in their way, don’t say anything while they’re working, don’t be a dumb ass, just watch. And buy them dinner every time (but no kissing).
I can’t stress enough how important it is to learn how to BEHAVE in a more attractive way. Women are somewhere around TEN TIMES as sensitive to subtle body language clues as men are.
Most guys have NO IDEA what they are communicating to women with their appearance, dress, gestures, etc.
I’m telling you, body language is MOST of the game. You can know every great line in the book, but if you don’t have the body language down, it can fail every time.
Next concept…
ALWAYS COMMUNICATE THAT YOU’RE SELECTING HER
In every situation, there is a way to subtly or overtly communicate that you are the one who is selecting her.
Just like my idea that you can increase attraction in every situation, I also believe that you can communicate that you’re the one doing the selecting (which, of course, increases the attraction).
Examples:
1) When you first meet her say “You seem different from the other shallow women that work here…”
2) Mention that your ex-girlfriend called you (if it’s true, of course) and that she wanted to see you, but that you chose her instead tonight.
3) If you find something that she likes, tell her “If you’re a good girl, I’ll give you some more…”
Do you get this?
Most guys behave in a way that communicates “I’m a lucky guy to be getting attention from you.
I’ll do whatever you want so you don’t leave. I know that I’m fortunate to be with you, and I’m insecure because you might leave at any time.”
This goes back to what I said earlier about giving away your power.
So, think up some ways that you can communicate the idea that YOU’RE THE ONE SELECTING HER.
If you overdo this one, you can come off as insecure and arrogant… so make sure to keep it on the subtle side. But used in small amounts, this is powerful.
If you believe it, she’ll believe it.
OK, I’m done….
KEEP YOUR POWER FOR YOU.
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